Christmas movies that have nothing to do with Christmas

So all the family are here. We've a roaring fire, tonnes of food... even the cats are curled up around our toes. Mum's drunk. Dad's fallen asleep. Granddad is overcome with joy because he's got a new pair of socks.

What shall we watch? Anybody for DIE HARD?

Hang on.

What is it with movies that have nothing to do with christmas, have zero festive spirit, yet are somehow synonymous with yuletide?

Of all the genuinely christmas themed films, there's few that I have time for. My favourite is Jingle All the Way (Brian Levant, 1996), in which Schwarzenegger makes a fine comedic turn as an estranged father desperate to win the affections of his son by buying the ludicrously popular Turbo Man action figure for xmas. Can he save face against the traditional Smug Step-dad? Why is he so ludicrously muscular? Arnie's plight unfolds with such manic desperation that you half expect him to break somebody's neck or rip their arm off or throw them out of the breathable atmosphere in order to attain his prize.

Thankfully, Santa doesn't come into it.

But the selection of annual irrelevance is as wide as it is deep. We have the aforementioned Die Hard (John Mctiernan, 1988) usually followed the more fitting Die Hard 2: Die Harder ( "Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. Eggnog, a fuckin' Christmas tree, a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin' tin can!" haha). 


Then there's The Goonies (Richard Donner, 1985), Oliver! (Carol Reed, 1968), Back To The Future (Robert Zimeckis, 1985), Close Encounters of the Third Kind (Steven Spielberg, 1977), Robocop (Paul Verhoeven, 1987)...


Damn loads, that's how many!


The reason for this seemingly random repeated annual programming is that there is simply too much time, too few festive films. Classic cinema is classic cinema. You can watch Robocop with your Gran at any time of the year and be sure that the cockles of your heart shall be thoroughly warmed.


This year I'm looking forward to another fortnight of television movie gold. I even don't mind about the adverts.


Here's my suggestion for the perfect boxing day hangover treat, fun for all the family: